“All Ashore That’s Going Ashore!” Especially Kids!

I like to foment unrest. It’s part of my DNA. I’d rather be remembered for taking a stance on a subject than disappear alongside the vast majority of Americans who choose to go with the flow. That’s why I’m devoting today’s column to Viking Cruise Line’s decision to ban ALL children from their highly-acclaimed river cruises. Let me begin by stating that river cruises hold no allure for me. I’m not the type to sit around with well-heeled, aging Boomers and gape at a Gothic cathedral as the ship glides majestically by. Nor am I the type to go sightseeing (unless I can first include an intense two-hour workout). The above notwithstanding, I salute Viking’s decision to prohibit kids from their uber high-end cruises. I’ve always said I adore my kids, but I disdain other parents’ offspring 😎 My feelings are based on multiple, first-hand experiences, two of which include the
Magic Kingdom. Speaking of DisneyWorld, hell can best be defined in two ways:
  • Taking a United Airlines flight to, or from, Orlando and being systematically kicked in the lower back by the tot seated directly behind me. To add insult to injury, I always seem to attract the terrible two-year-old sitting directly in front of me who has decided the best way to spend three hours is constantly popping up, turning around and shouting, “Boo!”
  • Standing in mile-long DisneyWorld lines surrounded by screaming kids and losing a pound of water weight every 15 minutes (thanks to Orlando’s horrific combination of excessive heat and humidity).
I don’t want other peoples’ kids ruining a vacation I’ve paid serious bank to enjoy. In Viking’s case, I believe they did the right thing. They listened to the wants and needs of their constituent audience and acted accordingly (knowing full well there would be a backlash from parents everywhere). The litmus test of today’s organization is its ability to anticipate audience needs while doubling down on its purpose. In Viking’s case, their value proposition is providing a serene sail down the Seine. Screaming tots shred that value prop to pieces. Having posited the above, I will return to my twin pursuits of mountain climbing and stand-up comedy (both of which are blessedly kid-free zones).